Grief in Childhood: How to Support Healing at Every Age

PARENTSTEENSGRIEFKIDS
Written By Taylor Locke-Ribble, Registered Psychotherapist

Children feel loss deeply and meaningfully, even when they don’t have the words to explain it.

Grief is a universal experience, everyone will experience loss at some point in their life. While grief will impact everyone differently, children often express themselves in ways adults may not expect, despite being able to feel loss deeply. How a child presents with and processes grief will vary based on their developmental age and their understanding of death. One moments they may appear to be sad, and the next moment laughing and playing. However, that doesn’t make their experience of loss any less valid, or that they are “over it”.

Together we’ll explore why grief may appear different in children, signs that a child may need extra support, and practical ways to help children process loss in healthy, age-appropriate ways.

Why Grief may look different in children

One child’s understanding of grief may be quite different from another. This may be based on their developmental age, if they have experienced loss before or how death and loss are talked about in their home. Children may not have the emotional understanding or language to express how they are feeling about a loss, as such their may be noticeable changes in behaviour, play or interaction [5]. As grief is often not experience linearly, children may shift between moments of outward sadness and play, as they attempt to regulate their emotions and avoid becoming overwhelmed [1].

Grief may look different depending on a child’s developmental age, however every child will experience grief differently:

  • While babies do not understand the concept of death and loss at this age, they are sensitive to changes in routine and their parent’s emotions.

    Normal behaviours in this age range may include: increased crying, sleep challenges or anxiety when separated from their parent [5].

  • Children this age may see death as temporary as they often do not understand the finality of death. They may ask when ___ will be back, where they are, or need reminders of the loss. Their grief may feel intense but shorter in nature.

    Normal behaviours in this age range may include: separation anxiety, tantrums, regression (such as bedwetting) and nightmares. They are often impacted by the emotions of their parents and changes to their routine [5].

  • Children this age may still believe death is reversible and may engage in “magical thinking,” believing their thoughts or actions were the cause of the death or loss. Rather than express themselves through words, they often engage in play where they may reenact the lose or try to make sense of it. They may not appear to have a strong reaction to the loss, however it does not mean they are not processing their feelings.

    Normal behaviours in this age range may include: regression, repetitive questions, death themed play after loss, fear of further loss. They may model their grief after their parents [5].

  • Children this age begin to understand the finality of death, although they may still wish to think it is reversible or will not happen to them. Some children at this age are not able to picture how death will impact them one day. They often ask more detailed questions and may experience some health anxiety.

    Normal behaviours in this age range may include: regression, changes in appetite and sleep, withdrawal, indifference towards death or hiding their feelings, anxiety surrounding the health of loved ones, difficulty concentrating at school, mood changes, withdrawal, denial [5].

  • Children at this age typically understand death and it’s concepts both emotionally and biologically. Their grief may look different than earlier ages as they may struggle to express their feelings, wanting to fit in with their peers rather than feel different.

    Normal behaviours in this age range may include: irritability, anger, physical complaints such as headaches or nausea, withdrawal, changes in eating and sleep, worry about the future after loss, trouble engaging in school and declining academic performance [5].

  • Children at this age fully understand the finality and universality of death on a biological and emotional level. Grief may present as especially complex during for this age as they are developing their emerging independence, identity and peer relationships. They may struggle to outwardly express their feelings, but often experience intense feelings of grief. They may feel no one understands their experiences, feel that “life is unfair”, or suppress their grief to avoid standing out.

    Normal behaviours in this age range may include: withdrawal from family, increased reliance on peers, mood swings, irritability, risk-taking behaviours, questioning faith or the meaning of life, changes in academic attendance and performance [6].

Signs a child may need extra support

While we’ve explored why grief may look different for every child, it is important to be able to identify signs a child may need additional support in addressing their grief and processing their feelings.

Possible warning signs include:

  • Behavioural changes such as persistent regression, increased irritability, anger or aggression.

  • Withdrawal from friends, family or activities they enjoy.

  • Changes in academic performance, such as difficulty concentrating, missing deadlines or missing class.

  • New and frequent physical complaints such as headaches and stomach aches.

  • New and intense anxiety about their safety or a fear of losing others [2].

A gentle reminder that it is normal for children to experiencing behavioural changes when children and processing loss, and they may shift quickly and frequently, however, when concerning behaviours are persistent, worsen or begin to interfere with daily functioning, it may be a sign that professional support may be helpful [1].

Helping children process loss in healthy ways

While your first instinct may be to “fix” their pain, it is important that children have the space to experience the loss without it seeming like it has to disappear. Children’s understanding of death and loss will continue to shift as they process loss and as they grow. Instead of offering quick solutions, look to create a warm, safe and understanding space when they can come for support. When children are provided with a the space to process, they may ask questions as they begin to make sense of their loss.

Here are five ways to support a child navigating grief without trying to “fix” it:

  • Children often benefit from clear and direct language when discussing death and loss. It may feel tempting to want to soften the language, however, when euphemisms such as “went to sleep” or “went to heaven” are used, it can feel confusing and scary for a younger child and may impact their grieving process [1]. It is okay to answer questions honestly, but take care to not provide too much information at once as it can be overwhelming.

  • Grief can feel like a very lonely experience for children, by validating and normalizing their feeling it can help them to feel understood and less alone. It is important to note that grief is different for everyone, adult or child, and that every loss is meaningful. It is best to avoid comparing losses, as all grief is meaningful and valid [4].

    “It is completely okay that some days are harder for you than others, you may feel your sadness more deeply one day and feel happy the next. That doesn’t mean you aren’t still feeling your loss”

  • Children see everything, and they often learn by watching the adults in their life. While adults navigate their own grieving process, it is important to let them see that being sad is okay. When adults regulate their emotions calmly, it shows children that emotions don’t have to be scary or overwhelming all the time [1].

    “I’m feeling sad right now because ___ died, it’s okay to feel sad sometimes. I’m going to take some deep breaths to help me relax, would you like to breathe with me?”

  • Rituals can be a powerful way to support children who are navigating grief. Grief can feel very overwhelming for children, and creating structured time to sit and process can help them feel connected to the loss, while processing their feelings [3].

    A quick note: This exercise may be best for older children, however this will be dependent on the intensity of the grief and developmental stage.

    The Grief Drawer: A Step-by-Step Walk-Through

    The Grief Drawer, designed by Dr. Darcy Harris, is a grounding exercise that supports engaging with grief in a structured way. The exercise is helpful for children or adults who may be experiencing overwhelming grief or who feel that creating space to process their grief would be helpful.

    Step 1: Gather Meaningful Items

    Children can collect items that represent the loss, they may need support in doing so depending on their age. These items may include photographs, clothing, music, or anything they feel is connected to the loss. There is no right or wrong choice in what goes in the drawer.

    Step 2: Choose a “Grief Drawer”

    Next, select what will hold the items. That may be a drawer, a box, or a separate designated space. If any of the items do not fit, they can be placed nearby and covered. Being able to close the drawer is both important and symbolic as it represents containment.

    Step 3: Set a Time Boundary

    Children should decide how much time they would like to spend with the drawer open, they may need support in deciding how often they open the drawer, but encourage them to decide. Next, choose a gentle way to keep track of time. This time limit helps ensure that grief is acknowledged without becoming overwhelming.

    Step 4: Open the Drawer

    When its time, children can open the drawer and engage with their items. There is no expectation around what this time should look like, they may want to play with the items, talk aloud, or sit silently with their thoughts. Whatever emotions that show up in this space are welcome and valid.

    Step 5: Close the ‘Drawer’

    When the time is up, place all of the items back into the drawer and close it. This is symbolic of containing the grief in a way that allows for meaningful processing without it being overwhelming.

    Step 6: Closing Ritual

    Create a small ritual to help shift back into the day. Whether this is taking a few deep breaths, doing a dance on the spot, or going for a walk, the goal of this closing ritual is to feel grounded in the present moment.

  • It is normal to want to take away children’s pain and discomfort, but the most meaningful thing to can do is listen, be present and allow for children to take up space with their emotions. While validation and reassurance is important, be careful about the language you use as statements like “everything will be fine” may unintentionally minimize their feelings. Because to a child, everything in that moment does not feel fine [4].

Final Thoughts

Children grieve in ways that may look confusing, inconsistent, or even invisible to adults, but their feelings are real and meaningful.

When children feel safe enough to ask questions, express big emotions and slowly process as they are ready, they will begin to develop lifelong coping skills that will support them in navigating future loss. It is important to understand how grief may differ based on the developmental stages and be able to identify what is developmentally normal versus when grief becomes more complex in nature. Children often express grief in ways that looks different to adults, and those reactions will change as their understanding of loss develops. Grief is not linear, it does not follow a timeline, and neither does healing.

Taylor Locke-Ribble, Registered Psychotherapist https://newhorizonspsychotherapy.com
Next

Teaching with Intention: Building Inclusive and Equitable Classrooms